We know that bad boysThey are not good, they will bring us almost nothing positive, they will hurt us, etc. However,a kind of masochistic instinct is unleashed every time we see them, and they are totally irresistible to us.
The chemistry is not the same with them, there is risk, there is intensity, there is danger, there is emotion. It is a completely intoxicating cocktail. And when our bad boy disappears, whom of course we have tried to change, we cry and cry for days regretting how stupid we have been.
“And then he fell in love, the only way that intelligent women can fall in love… Yes, just like an ‘idiot’; although he was never able to understand all the poems he read to explain his love … “
What attracts us to bad boys
The bad guys represent what we like, what we find interesting, risky, dangerous, different. We know that they will disappear from one day to the next without saying anything, that they will go with another, but we like them. What attracts us so much about a bad boy?
We all feel great satisfaction in breaking the rules. Therefore, being with a bad boy that your parents have forbidden you to be with, or with whom you know you should not be, is a real pleasure.
It is what experts call “conscious fear”, which is not painful but rewarding. The English psychologist Michael Belint, argues that the fun of the “dark side” appears because we are responsible for that attraction and we can control it.
But not all of us feel the same desire for the prohibited, since cultural, environmental, and genetic factors also influence that build and shape that desire.
The desire to be the one
When a bad boy looks at you, pays attention to you, you want to be the one, the only one, even if only for a moment. Be you the one who talks to him, the one he looks at, the girl he wants. Although we know that it will be fleeting, we want it because it makes us feel good. For a moment we will be the only one.
The idea that with us it will change
In the initial blindness phase to a bad boy, we delude ourselves that we will change him. That we will make him a better person, that he will admire us and love us madly. It is a phase of falling in love in which we do not see the defects of others, in which our mind completely clouds our reason.
It’s fun, so much fun
Even if we wait hours for a call or a message from you, even if we know that it will disappear, even if we are aware that it will not last, we know that it will be fun and we continue to the end, whenever it arrives. However, all these ideas are the fruit of the romantic love of the movies, it is an incomplete love.
Love, to be complete, has to meet many requirements, but above all three elements: sexual desire (Eros), friendship as a couple (Philia) and selfless love for the other (Agape). Without these three elements, something goes wrong, our relationship will not work.
Scientific studies on “the dark triad” of bad guys
Peter Jonason, from New Mexico State University (USA), conducted a study with 200 students to show that women prefer bad men, but marry good men. Jonason classified the men according to three personality characteristics that he called “the dark triad of psychological traits”:
The narcissism of bad guys
In bad boys, narcissism is related to short-term mating, which occurs in men who compete for their own sex, and then repel partners after sexual intercourse.
Psychopathy is usually manifested by a great lack of sensitivity and empathy. In short-term relationships you are successful because psychopaths have a false charm that is totally superficial.
The exploitative and manipulative nature of bad guys
Machiavellianism is related to insincerity, duplicity and manipulation , which favors promiscuity.
Jonason’s study found that those men who had more “dark” personality traits tended to have more partners and short-term relationships.
The hope of the good guys
In the long term, the choice of women changes. Evolutionary psychology doctor Gayle Brewer, from the University of Central Lancashire (United Kingdom), argues that for short relationships women choose bad boys, but for long-term relationships women prefer good and affectionate boys, boys who transmit to them security, empathy, companionship.
Keep going despite everything
“In impossible loves, hope is the first thing to lose”
Walter Riso, Argentine psychologist, in his book “Manual for not dying of love” says:
“You have been taught that hope is the last thing you should lose — and it may be true in some extreme circumstances — but in impossible love or declared and proven heartbreak, hopelessness is a balm. If they don’t love you anymore, don’t expect anything, don’t anticipate positively: an intelligent pessimist is better than an ill-informed optimist. “
Therefore, when the bad boy disappears, he is no longer looking for us or he has simply changed us for another, it is necessary to lose hope as soon as possible, to regain our self-esteem. But how?
Riso proposes several techniques that will improve your self-esteem, in the event of a breakdown or a relationship that does not work, which are the following:
- Eliminate phrases like: “I am not capable”, “I can not” from your vocabulary.
- Don’t be pessimistic. If you have too many negative thoughts about the future, stop for a moment and see if they are realistic.
- Don’t be fatalistic. You build your destiny.
- Don’t just remember the bad. Activate your positive memory for a few moments a day , think about positive things you have done in your life.
- Review your goals and you will see that you can go further taking into account your strengths.
- Challenge yourself and take a chance. Set a realistic goal and go for it.
“I fell in love with life, it is the only one that will not leave me without first doing it”
Good guys end up winning out bad guys
In conclusion, many women are attracted to bad boys because they exhibit traits such as self-confidence, aggressiveness, determination, and also offer the possibility of breaking the rules. However, these people are not at all suitable for a relationship based on love, trust and long-term goals. Finally, the good guys end up winning.
Eros, Ludus and Storge, three styles of love
Love styles are a classification that John Alan Lee proposes to name the love archetypes and divides them into primary and secondary.