Since I Lost It, I Knew It Was For Me

Days, weeks, months go by … I meet more people who mark my path. People who positively influence both my self-knowledge and the knowledge of everything that surrounds me. However, I am unable to forget that smile. A smile burned into my mind.

Fate, circumstances, karma or knowing who did not want anything to happen between them. One day we said goodbye. A goodbye that meant a rupture of part of my soul, of my heart. Since I lost it, I knew it was for me.

Despite being different, having opposite concerns, there was an unbreakable bond. A connection difficult to explain in words, simply ineffable. Why do these kinds of connections occur? Why are you unable to disappear from my mind? Since I lost her, she began to be with me in every moment, in every song, in every walk, in every memory….

Serendipity

Lord Horace Walpole (1717-1797), Earl of Oxford, defined the concept of serendipity as a ‘lucky find’ . A. Agostini (2005) as ‘ finding something valuable while looking for something else, discovering something appreciable by chance, randomly performing an act of sagacity’. And for  JA Coppo (2012)  serendipity is the ‘art of finding something not wanted’. And that’s what happened to us.

It all started a few years ago. At the beginning of March. A friend was in charge of directing a guided tour of the city, but an unforeseen event prevented me from doing so and she asked me for a favor. My job was to show the most emblematic places of the city  to a group of strangers.

The visit should be short. We couldn’t beat around the bush or entertain ourselves too much. I arrived at the meeting place and they were all there, waiting for someone to show them the most beautiful corners of the city in just a few hours.

At the end of the visit, many of the members asked me their questions, eager to know more about the place. I tried to answer as accurately as possible all the questions that I could. We exchanged phone numbers and emails with those who wanted to dig a little deeper for future questions.

Ghosts and fears

Several of those people contacted me. Their concerns revolved around the mystery stories that I related to them about the place. However, with one of those people, the conversations grew longer and longer. Somehow, and without looking for it, we realized that we talked every day. We felt the need to know about each other.

Such was the connection that we decided to meet on several occasions. Each of us, with our stories, connect to the point of feeling inseparable. Despite this, at no time did we get closer than a hug, but the looks were so intense that not even the sunlight could obscure them.

“I can write the saddest verses tonight. Thinking I don’t have it. Feeling that I have lost it. Hearing the immense night, more immense without it. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to grass. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me. “

-Pablo Neruda-

Our ghosts, our fears and our indecisions caused that fire to lose its intensity little by little.  A force that was really only hidden by our egos and our pride, because the flames of passion were still more alive than ever.

Despite this, I tried to smile at adversity. As Gabriel García Márquez wrote, “never stop smiling, not even when you’re sad, because you never know who can fall in love with your smile” .

We were made for each other

When I saw her, I knew we were meant for each other, but since I lost her I knew it was for me and I for her. However, in this case, being each other went beyond a sense of possession. Beyond obsession or grasping. He entered the realm of union understood only from experience. A bond that, despite the anger, tension and disagreements remained unbreakable. Was it the famous red thread ?

“Love is so short, and oblivion is so long.”

-Pablo Neruda-

But what is the red thread? It is said to be an invisible thread that connects despite distance and time. A thread that establishes a connection between two people who are destined to meet and whatever happens, it will remain there, unalterable.

Will she be the one on the other side of the thread? Many times I wonder if it was  true love that we came to feel and if this red thread has been woven so that our lives come together sooner or later. Since I lost it, the red thread has only tightened and loosened, although at a point it has seemed to break forever.

Since i lost her

Since we stopped knowing about each other, I know that there is not a day that we are not in our memories. Of course, we have created a certain dislike for our wrong actions.

Actually, and without the intention of accusation, I think that you have been wrong on many occasions. I also. However, your mistakes have undermined what could have been a dream. And despite that, I can’t get you out of my mind. I have forgiven you mistakes that have pierced my soul.

Your game has never been fair, riddled with lies and concealments. My game has been based on my own fear. Our way of operating has not been correct. You waited for me and I did not come. I asked for signs of complicity and they didn’t come.

You put me against the sword and the wall. And despite this, the thread still does not break. A few days the knot of the thread tightens my finger less, but sometimes it cuts off my circulation and I am short of breath.

Since I lost her I knew that the hue of my life would become darker. When we said our last goodbye, I felt that something had died inside me. I was aware that there are people who when they arrive are to stay and not to leave, and even less, through suffering.

You came to stay. I came to stay. But nothing happened as we expected. Because maybe it wasn’t the moment, maybe it wasn’t the circumstances. Why was everything so complicated? We just wanted to give each other a hug and merge into one body …